Magnetic Pages Article | 1992-09-02 | 4KB | 37 lines
MPARTICLE
HOW TO THROW A PARTY
(MATTHEW LEVAN STYLE)
Firstly, lets give a bit of#background information. Matty Levan%is a friend of mine, who decided, for"his sixteenth birthday, to have a !party at his big house. (Which is#large. -P.V.F.C.) He invited a few #people, but was pursuaded to invite"more. (None of them were me, so I had to gatecrash, even though he%doesn't have any. -P.V.F.C.) This he %decided would be a good idea, because it would presumibly allow him to#get to know a few more people. (And
it would also get him well and #truly laid by some desirable girl.)!(Phworgh, eh? eh? -P.V.F.C.) So, #on the 20th of November 1993, Matty
Levan threw a party to end all parties. Here are my guidelines,$(which I helpfully gave to Matty to
help him decide how to go about#partying, on the night of the 19th
November.)
$1. Publicise your party: This can be
done by putting adverts in the %local and national newspapers, on the sides of buses, or by having it %announced on the radio or television.
Better still, borrow an %aeroplane and fly it all over Britain with a banner depicting cans of $beer, with the message "PARTY! At my
house (in this case 513 Yarm %Road) on the 20th November. Everybody
welcome." These actions should "ensure a good turnout, giving your#party a good atmosphear. (In Mattys
case, the entire population of
Cleveland turned up.)
!2. Keep doors open, and make sure$there is a good entrance and exit to the house: (The entrance was the!front door, the exit was a large
upstairs window. It didn't even!open... -P.V.F.C.) Matty decided
(sensibly) not to allow smoking#indoors, so he left the front door $open, so people could go outside for!a fag. (That wasn't all they went
outside for: All the upstairs#bedrooms were locked... -P.V.F.C.)
(Unfortunately, this meant that"gatecrashers could just make their!way in, steal everything and then
leave undetected.)
3. Have plenty of drink in the$vicinity: This allows the host (and "almost everyone else) to get drunk and have an excuse to let their #inhibitions drop. (Thus Matty could
go around feeling everybody's $breasts.. And I mean everybody. (not!just the girls!) He even tried it#on with me twice. Well, I know I've
got long hair, but that's no !excuse!) The consequences of this!though was that everybody with a
criminal nature just nicked all%Matty's family's stuff, as Matty was
too pissed to notice.)
%4. Don't be prejudiced: Matty, to his%credit, wasn't at all descriminate in#who he allowed in. (So I noticed...%-P.V.F.C.) He wasn't sexist, allowing%in plenty of boys and girls (Phworgh!"eh? Some of those girls there were"very much a case of "Shwing!" and !"Hellooooo!". -P.V.F.C.) and farm animals, nor ageist, allowing in"plenty of 18 to 20 year olds. (who"took all his furnature) Matty also!very kindly invited a total of 24"convicted criminals who were given%day leave from Stockton prison. These
men were very grateful and took#Matty's invitation. (As well as his
stereo, car, computer games and!his dad's bleeper and briefcase.)
!5. Invite a celebrity: In Matty's
case, he invited me!
#(and what a great party it was too! People got laid (not me though, !unfortunately), beaten up, drunk,$stoned and an oppertunaty to destroy$a very large house. It's better than%Street Fighter II, really. -P.V.F.C.)
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